I had a precious dream about Clay just before I woke up the other day.. They don’t come too often, so I wrote it down.
A young Clay was playing with his friend Lily by a pool, making up games and stories. Lily’s mum was in the pool, and I was watching them play from a chair nearby.
The timelessness of dreams is often confusing. In this dream, the pleasure I felt watching them play was so pure and easy, I was obviously unaware that Clay was lost to me or would be one day. Yet the feeling was so exquisite, so beautiful, that it seemed to be informed by the loss. It felt extra-ordinary to be with him, and very special.
Clay and Lily wandered over to me to include me in their play, perhaps to share the story they were acting out. I joined in for a while before Clay eventually came in close for a cuddle and pulled a giant beach blanket over us. He wrapped us up and we turned into a big cocoon, which was what he wanted. The dream then closed like the end of a short film, sort of fading or zooming out.
I had so much time with Clay as he grew up and really got to know him. I hope that provides a banquet to feed my dreams for a lifetime. Is kinetic memory at thing? Or the memory of touch? Even at 18 Clay never stopped being a hugger and cuddler, even with his dad and me. I can recall with equal clarity the touch of his adult cheek on my check and the squidge of his thigh in my fingers as I held him on my hip as a toddler. I can feel his little hand gently pressing my cheek as, from his perch on my hip, he swivelled my head round to look into my eyes when he spoke to me.
A few years ago I held a baby in my arms called Moses. It was so healing at the time. I recognised instantly that he was the same weight as Clay had been at birth because I could feel it—that precise density wrapped in that soft newborn flesh. His mum confirmed it– beautiful Moses weighed at six weeks what the scales read at Clay’s birth– 4.7 kg (10lb 5oz). That memory is in my body.
It was a good day that followed my early morning dream; I felt contented and curious. Once, a dream like that may have brought melancholy or desolation for a day or two, just for the reminder of all that’s been lost. I have persevered. I am persevering. We all need to persevere through things, maybe for a lifetime. “For his anger is but for a moment, and his favour is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5
clay fragments 
So, so beautiful and REAL!!!
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So beautiful, Gretchen! Thank you so much for sharing. Those kinds of dreams feel like we are touching eternity. I think we are.
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such beautiful words yet so heart wrenching at the same time. You convey exquisitely the touch of a toddler, a baby, a teenager…I am so sad that you have had to go through this Gretchen…I pray that God’s comfort can give you some comfort…. Maybe too knowing that we stand with you x
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Capturing this moment through your elegant words is such a gift to your future self. The photographs of your handsome boy are lovely, but incomplete. You can see places and faces, and perhaps recreate a present memory of that time past, but rereading your thoughts as contemporaneous writings are different. This is one I hope you rediscover the next time you feel despair. It’s lovely, and truly captures the purity of a mother’s love, free from the veil of grief.
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beautiful and prescious, I pray for dreams of my own
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you are an incredible writer Gretchen. Your description of your dream brought tears to my eyes. you have truly captured the tactile memories that mothers keep with them of holding their babies and little children. Hope to see you sometime soon – love you!
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Gretchen,Wh
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So beautiful Gretchen! Sent from my iPhone
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The best type of dream- one that is like spending precious time with your beloved son. ❤️😘
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God has given you a precious gift Gretchen, dreams of a lifetime. Clay stays with you as you treasure him. Not everyone is given that blessing.
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I felt that story deep in my soul. So much more than words. Sending ♥️ and gratitude for sharing that.
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beautiful 🩷
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a beautiful dream. I have very vivid dreams, often of my childhood and at the shore in Pt Pleasant. It’s amazing how you feel those dreams as if they are real! Blessings to you and family. Wish you were nearer so we could talk!
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What a beautiful dream and to be cherished. Yes I believe in cellular memory, all of it! He was sending you a beautiful message!
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So glad your dreams and memories of Clay are like warm hugs. Thinking of you this week as I study God snatching the baby into heaven 🙏💕
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