29 May, 2022
Dear Clay,
I begin today, jetlagged, by sneaking out of the Jonathan Club as everyone sleeps, to wait in line for a table at “The Pantry” on the corner of Figueroa and West 9th. Increasingly unsure of how to mark the confusion of your death on its anniversary, this year I’m simply giving myself permission to indulge a memory. You and I in New York, jetlagged and wide awake several hours before dawn, driving down empty streets through a lavish succession of green lights from the Bronx to an all-night diner on the Upper West Side. What was it called? You were medium-sized and would soon grow tall, but I can’t remember the year. Nobody on earth knows this, and today I desperately want to hear it from you. We felt like New Yorkers that night.
I was certain (weren’t you?), when I first saw the video for “Sweatpants” on YouTube, that Childish Gambino walks into our Manhattan diner, sits in a booth with three of himself, gets up and walks out– all in a continuous loop until everyone in the place is a version of himself. Gambino the waitress pouring coffee. Gambinos sitting at the counter. Gambino the rapper, chiding “Don’t be mad cuz I’m doin’ Me better than you doin’ You. Don’t be mad cuz I’m doin’ Me better than you doin’ You.” What does it all mean? It looked like the same diner anyway.
Speaking of Childish Gambino, remember how delighted you were to discover that one of the essay prompts for your college application was a Donald Glover quote? You were keen to show me, too. Providence, I thought, because you were a fan. The quote was something poignant about being true to creative inspiration, not conforming, etc. Six months before you died, you won admission to Dartmouth College with that essay; you were a well-rounded package. How did you swing that while you were dipping into all those substances? Must have carried some kudos at your school, everyone else sweating over their A level exams. You were living the dream, having it all. Not any more. Wish you’d taken a bit more from Glover and less from Flea, your bass-playing idol from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. “Troy and Abed in the morning…” But you won’t see another morning.
Speaking of RHCP, we’re in LA at the invitation of your godmother for Scarlett’s marriage to Joe. The wedding was absolutely perfect, in case you were wondering, and we thought of you most of the time. We’ll return to the Cathedral where they married and light a candle for you later today shortly after 4:15 Pacific Time, about the time you died three years ago. If I tell you it’s still all I can do not to reference some memory or another of you in casual conversation, often– even at a wedding celebration, don’t roll your eyes like I know you would. The memories are always relevant. OK maybe not, but you’ve no idea how loud your absence is. It’s as loud as that time you farted on the firmly-quilted chintz sofa as we sat visiting, earning a “You will not pass gas on my sofa” from the hostess. Chas and Grace and Dad and I still laugh about that.
Miss you every morning.
Love, Mom
clay fragments 
Deep hugs dear sister! Holding you, Frank, Chaz, and my Gracie a little tighter than usual! Argh……
There are no answers but there sure are tons of hearts, prayers, and arms carrying and holding up you all.
I love u deep!
Teddy+
LikeLike
Oh Gretchen. You’ve captured perfectly a mothers loss. I’m crying here with you, alongside you but I know that is not enough. He was truly a special boy.
LikeLike
I know the loss and sadness never leave you, but the anniversary must be amplified. What a beautiful letter to your boy on a difficult day! Thinking about you!! JCP
LikeLike
I have praying for you the entire month of May as it builds to the anniversary. Thank you for sharing this beautiful letter giving us a glimpse into your heart and thoughts. Holding you tight each and every morning.
LikeLike
Gretchen I have been thinking about you and Frank Jr and the entire family especially when I was in England. It is not easy and you think every year it should be better but some are worse than others. “Look into the Windows of Heaven” by Fara Gibson I highly recommend it. Clay is with you although his physical presence isn’t. We learn to start living with them on the other side. Memories keep him alive! Sending you love, and hugs and prayers Sandy R
LikeLike
🥲
LikeLike
Oh Dear Gretchen
Your precious memories are a
Beautiful holy gift to us all I learned early and firsthand that memories are the path to healing . Thank you for more treasured Clay fragments
LikeLike
Thank you,Gretchen, for sending your memories with Clay. I can’t believe it has been three years..I think of you often and love you
LikeLike
My heart is with you dear friend as I remember hearing about your dear Clay three years ago. My 38 years of memories are what keeps me living too so I understand. much love from here, Lois
LikeLike
A beautiful and heartfelt memory Gretchen. Continues to bring tears to my eyes – and that’s just me so can only imagine what it feels like. Always here for you x
LikeLike
I am so glad that were able to finally meet and talk about our precious boys!
LikeLike
It’s coming up to 6 years since my adult daughter Alex left us. Thoughts of her are in my every waking moment. I mention her often in conversation because she is still, and always will be, a part of me. Thank you for your eloquent writing on this difficult subject of loss. I was reading Richard E Grant’s Twitter feed about the loss of his wife. He, too, is eloquent on grief. He’s said most recently that it’s often when you’re in company that you feel most alone. Those of us experiencing the loss of someone so close know exactly how that feels. Just to sit in silence alongside someone who totally ‘gets it’ is comforting. Sending you lots of love, one mother to another xx
LikeLike
Hello Gretchen – thank you for posting another poignant memory of Clay. With each new fragment I learn a bit more about his sweet, unique soul and I see glimpses of your healing which makes me truly thankful to God. Love and miss you, Frank, Chas and Grace. xox Cyndi
LikeLike
Beautiful words, Gretchen. Nate and I send you our love. To have these precious mother/son memories and shared experiences is so special. Much love to you all xx
LikeLike
Gretchen, I am a bit behind in reading this entry, but you and Clay are never far from my thoughts and always in my prayers. You are such an awesome mom. Your connectedness with your children (do we still call them children once they are adults?) is evident in your writing. That is something both really wonderful and really rotten. Most days I am in the “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved” camp, but sometimes I think that loving and being loved so well makes the pain of loss even deeper. Let me know if you plan a trip to WI, I’d love to see you. Much love, Anita
LikeLike
Dear Gretchen, I only heard about your loss recently and I feel so saddened and sorry for you. Your other two children whom I got to know are such lovely, beautiful and talented people that I know Clay would have been the same.
The way you write about Clay is compelling, and elegiac yet you get a real sense of Clay even if you have never met him.
I’m thinking of you often now.
Anne
LikeLike