Last night I reached for the chocolate sauce to pour over my vanilla ice cream, which is a significant small thing. A year ago, I still hadn’t recovered my taste for food following Clay’s death the year before. I found myself lying about that from time to time to get through the Covid screening for my hospital appointments. My loss of taste had nothing to do with a virus. It was one of a thousand things I could name that slipped away, one after another, since we lost our beautiful boy. But I don’t ever name them, because they’re not coming back.
Another good sign was the soft smile I felt come over my face as I pictured the pale yellow sticky note Clay had attached to a similar bottle a few years ago. It was Clay’s own personal bottle of Hershey’s, well hidden in the back of the spare fridge, we found bearing the letters “WWJD?” Some will get that, but just to explain….Clay was hijacking that well-worn spiritual challenge “What Would Jesus Do?” to issue an injunction for anyone thinking of tucking into his chocolate sauce. We did laugh. That was our Clay. Measured. Cheeky. Clever. And full of pretty successful ideas.
I’ve never been a fan of made up Days or Weeks to celebrate the inane stuff of life (apart from National Donut Day which is a decent excuse for a donut run), but I’m using July’s demotion to Bereaved Parents Awareness Month to begin sharing parts of my new life in my new “club.” I’ve caught the tail-end of this month’s sympathetic campaign, but there’s enough to fill weeks and months to come. I’ll drop a few paragraphs here when the words in my head need somewhere to go.
Join me if you’re curious, or care, or want to be comfortable with the inevitability of death. Writing with purpose is good therapy for me, and I’d really like to tell you more about Clay. Maybe you’ll learn more clearly the depths to which you love your own kids, or something new about the world they occupy. If just one reader should come to understand how unstoppable, how powerful their own parent’s imperfect love can be, it would be my heart’s consolation.
WARNING: Hazardous material! The range of emotion I’m comfortable with is probably bigger than yours. Thank God. Otherwise my body may have chosen one of the adventursome escape routes my vivid imagination has kicked around. Also, once upon a time and long before now, I learned the ridiculous importance of a sense of humour in the survival of suffering. I never had one until I prayed for it once, and I was given a pretty full range. Just sayin’— light, dark, slapstick, droll— it’s all fair game for the relief from grief.
I’m pretty sure that multiple blogs could be written about losing Clay, going by the number of people he connected with in his lifetime. That makes me happy. I remember when Clay was four, and I was told that all the teachers that year had lobbied to have Clay on their class lists. He had really cute cheeks. When he died he was on the brink of adulthood, when other accounts of him would matter more than mine. Clay Fragments is just a mother’s story.
clay fragments 
Hello fm Catherine in NZ.
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Love you! And I am here beside you.
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I’m in and you know I totally understand your need to write about and talk about Clay.
Not a day goes by that we don’t have a William story to tell and to laugh about. Memories are almost as precious as the real person was! (My 2 cents worth!)
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That’s heartbreaking and beautiful, Gretchen. Please keep writing about Clay!
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Absolutely wonderful, beautiful, moving. Love this and you Gretchen. And always walking beside you as a fellow bereaved mother. Valerie xxx
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Keep up your beautiful writing Gretchen. It is healing for all those who have lost a child, actually for all who have lost someone dear to them. I think it must make you realize even more the beauty and glory of Chad and Grace. You are blessed Gretchen and much loved
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Sharing your beautiful thoughts and memories are blessing many. We will forever remember and love Clay. Clay’s gorgeous smile is engraved in my heart upon thinking of him. You and your family are cherished and lifted up in thoughts, prayers and love…
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Your words are beautiful, Gretchen, and I hope you will share many more. Even though I’m not a bereaved mother, I have several friends who are, and I learn from each of you how to better support the others of you. And sudden, soul-tearing loss, life-shattering loss, leaving us wracked and for some time, disabled in grief, indeed is a bond, sadly many of us share. Your beautiful Clay will always be remembered and loved, as will you and your beautiful family 💜💜. Laura
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And PS – a sense of humor is an incredibly valuable coping skill!! I’m so glad it’s one of yours!! 💜💜
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Beautifully written Gretchen. I’m looking forward to reading more about Clay and your journey. Love how you reach out to help yourself while really and truly helping those around you.
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Gretchen, this is so beautifully written and articulate! I had feeling of sadness and joy all mixed together. Wanted to laugh and cry! Thank you for writing and sharing this. I hope continuing to remember and honor Clay will bring you (and others) joy!!
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Gretchen, ^Anonymous just above was me….did not realize I needed to fill in my details…Will do that now. Love, Bob Davis.
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What beautiful words what a beautiful boy who is truly missed by many and that a beautiful woman that I can call a true friend a true hero and a true woman of god o love you all so much and I miss out clays cheeky smile 😇
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I would feel privileged to share in your thoughts, emotions, memories, insights and more. Your writing is inspired and a true gift, Gretchen. I think of you and your gorgeous family often and pray you feel some of His comfort and grace each day on this impossibly difficult road, eased at times with your wonderful sense of humour. Lesley x
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So inspiring gretchen
Xo
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Gretchen, thank you for sharing your thoughts, memories, feelings (the full range whether comfortable or uncomfortable) and all the wisdom God has given you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
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Thank you, Gretchen, for the privilege to walk with you in this journey. I think of you often – the shared times of being Americans abroad, our lovely girls having tea party playdates and all the times in between. My heart is with you even though we are separated by the “pond”
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I’m sending you a big hug from Henderson, NV. You are loved and supported by many and worthy of God’s Grace to help you carry this hurt.
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A few words and phrases that express so much. Thanks for sharing Gretchen
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Thanks for sharing your stories and grief. I look forward to more of your writing. My husband died just over three months ago. Different story, different path…. shared pain.
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